Today is Wednesday April 14th 2004
It has taken me all these years, for
me to finally accept that you are
truely gone. But never gone from
my thoughts and in my heart.
You my sweet April went through so
much. Having so many surgeries and
chemo, until your little body couldn't
take any more.
You was always so strong, much stronger
than I could ever be. I may have looked
like a pillar of strength, but inside
I was not.
Several things I would like to get
off my chest. You and I had many
talks about your illness, (cancer).
You had to see so many children die
from the same illness. You had asked
me if you was going to die too.
I told you, NO. The Doctor's are
going to make you better and for you
to keep on fighting. You asked me,
"What if they can't make me better"?
I was speechless. I finally responded,
saying Something that haunts me to this
day. I asked you if you wanted to know
if the Doctor's couldn't make you better.
You said. Yes. You was only 7 years old.
I thought, How could this be? This
conversation between a little girl and
her Mother should never have to take place.
When the Doctor's came to us and told
Daddy and I that the cancer was so bad,
that there was nothing more they could do.
They told us that you had about 2 weeks
to live. I felt numb. This wasn't real.
We was living a nightmare. I thought so
many things. We did request for the
Doctor's to keep trying and this they did.
I debated on telling you what the Doctor's
had told us. At one point, You asked me
what was wrong. You could tell I had been
crying. I began to tell you. God, how do
you tell your child that she is dieing?
Once the words started coming out of my
mouth. I could see the look of fear in
your beautiful eyes. I then hesitated.
You then asked me. Momma, what are you
saying? Am I going to die? I lied to you.
I couldn't say it. You couldn't hear it.
All I could say was, the Doctor's are doing
everything they could.
I can see you so clearly right now April.
You are so Beautiful. I remember the day
you was in bed at the hospital. You had
your little doll in your hand. You would
drop it on the floor and smile at me,
wanting me to pick it up for you. This
going on for an hour or more. You thought
it was so funny. Normally I would have
said, April don't do that. I think you
was testing me. I believe now that you
probably wanted to hear me say April,
don't do that.
I remember the day you had your leg
amputated. You woke up in ICU and
wouldn't look at your now gone leg.
Once you did, you seemed to take it very
well. You was so Brave, little April.
You recovered very quickly from the surgery.
It was no time at all and you wanted to go
to the park. We did, but you had trouble
and that bothered you. I also remember
the morning you woke up and went to get
out of bed, forgetting that your leg was
gone. You fell to the floor. Your heart
broke that day. I think that is when it
really hit you that your leg was really gone.
The days you had to have chemo, how sick
you would get. The blood transfusions
always made you feel better. Thank God,
for the people that give blood. They save
lives and help pain and suffering to the
dieing. Endless days at the hospital. Long
drives in the middle of the night and days
to Kansas City. Most of the time we had to
make mad dashes to Kansas City because of
the High fevers you would have. One day we
had to rush to Kansas City because you had
been exposed to Chicken Pox and had to receive
the Immune Globulin shot.
And another surgery where they had to
remove all those tumors from your lungs.
I remember when you was in ICU and you
woke up and looked around and seen me
sitting next to you. You was able to
smile at me although you was in so much pain.
I would have never left you. I was always
there for you.
Another thing that haunts me to this day is..
The day God called you home.
You was sitting up eating Tangy Taffy,
drawling pictures at around 3 am. Your
little body had already started to shut
down. You wasn't able to go to the
bathroom on your own. That morning you
did and you was so proud. You then coughed
as you had been doing frequently. Coughing
up scar tissue from your lungs among other
things. You then struggled to breath. I
jumped up and got in bed with you. I was
lying behind you holding you on top of my
body. The Doctor's and Nurses came running
in after Daddy called for them. They gave
you some medication to make you more
comfortable, Which I am grateful for.
You kept on taking long deep breaths with
long pauses in between.
I kept on telling you it was ok to go and
that Daddy and I loved you. So did Daddy.
April, we wanted you to stay. We just didn't
want you to suffer anymore.
We love you that much. Telling you it was
ok to go was so hard. I feel so much guilt
but at the same time I know it was something
I had do to. I felt like if you had to go,
I wanted you to go in peace.
God reassured me that horrible day. I felt it.
I felt his presence. I knew he was taking your
hand and your pain and suffering away.
So rest in Peace my Darling Daughter.
I love you April Dawn.