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Today is Wednesday April 14th 2004

It has taken me all these years, for
me to finally accept that you are
truely gone. But never gone from
my thoughts and in my heart.

You my sweet April went through so much. Having so many surgeries and chemo, until your little body couldn't take any more. You was always so strong, much stronger than I could ever be. I may have looked like a pillar of strength, but inside I was not.

Several things I would like to get off my chest. You and I had many talks about your illness, (cancer). You had to see so many children die from the same illness. You had asked me if you was going to die too. I told you, NO. The Doctor's are going to make you better and for you to keep on fighting. You asked me, "What if they can't make me better"? I was speechless. I finally responded, saying Something that haunts me to this day. I asked you if you wanted to know if the Doctor's couldn't make you better. You said. Yes. You was only 7 years old. I thought, How could this be? This conversation between a little girl and her Mother should never have to take place.

When the Doctor's came to us and told Daddy and I that the cancer was so bad, that there was nothing more they could do. They told us that you had about 2 weeks to live. I felt numb. This wasn't real. We was living a nightmare. I thought so many things. We did request for the Doctor's to keep trying and this they did.

I debated on telling you what the Doctor's had told us. At one point, You asked me what was wrong. You could tell I had been crying. I began to tell you. God, how do you tell your child that she is dieing? Once the words started coming out of my mouth. I could see the look of fear in your beautiful eyes. I then hesitated. You then asked me. Momma, what are you saying? Am I going to die? I lied to you. I couldn't say it. You couldn't hear it. All I could say was, the Doctor's are doing everything they could.

I can see you so clearly right now April. You are so Beautiful. I remember the day you was in bed at the hospital. You had your little doll in your hand. You would drop it on the floor and smile at me, wanting me to pick it up for you. This going on for an hour or more. You thought it was so funny. Normally I would have said, April don't do that. I think you was testing me. I believe now that you probably wanted to hear me say April, don't do that.

I remember the day you had your leg amputated. You woke up in ICU and wouldn't look at your now gone leg. Once you did, you seemed to take it very well. You was so Brave, little April. You recovered very quickly from the surgery. It was no time at all and you wanted to go to the park. We did, but you had trouble and that bothered you. I also remember the morning you woke up and went to get out of bed, forgetting that your leg was gone. You fell to the floor. Your heart broke that day. I think that is when it really hit you that your leg was really gone.

The days you had to have chemo, how sick you would get. The blood transfusions always made you feel better. Thank God, for the people that give blood. They save lives and help pain and suffering to the dieing. Endless days at the hospital. Long drives in the middle of the night and days to Kansas City. Most of the time we had to make mad dashes to Kansas City because of the High fevers you would have. One day we had to rush to Kansas City because you had been exposed to Chicken Pox and had to receive the Immune Globulin shot.

And another surgery where they had to remove all those tumors from your lungs. I remember when you was in ICU and you woke up and looked around and seen me sitting next to you. You was able to smile at me although you was in so much pain. I would have never left you. I was always there for you.

Another thing that haunts me to this day is.. The day God called you home. You was sitting up eating Tangy Taffy, drawling pictures at around 3 am. Your little body had already started to shut down. You wasn't able to go to the bathroom on your own. That morning you did and you was so proud. You then coughed as you had been doing frequently. Coughing up scar tissue from your lungs among other things. You then struggled to breath. I jumped up and got in bed with you. I was lying behind you holding you on top of my body. The Doctor's and Nurses came running in after Daddy called for them. They gave you some medication to make you more comfortable, Which I am grateful for. You kept on taking long deep breaths with long pauses in between.

I kept on telling you it was ok to go and that Daddy and I loved you. So did Daddy. April, we wanted you to stay. We just didn't want you to suffer anymore. We love you that much. Telling you it was ok to go was so hard. I feel so much guilt but at the same time I know it was something I had do to. I felt like if you had to go, I wanted you to go in peace.

God reassured me that horrible day. I felt it. I felt his presence. I knew he was taking your hand and your pain and suffering away.

So rest in Peace my Darling Daughter. I love you April Dawn.
Love, Momma